I thought about asking someone else to write this blog but I was reminded by the Lord that He walked me through quite a few breakups in order for me to share the wisdom He allowed me to learn from them...
Over the years, I have accumulated 8 tips to a healthy breakup, and let me be the first to tell you that these are learned FROM EXPERIENCE. Hence, I didn’t treat every breakup like I should have and burned a few bridges but hopefully with these tips, you can end things on a good note and start healing. START UNFOLLOWING & STOP TALKING GIRL! (or any GUY, reading this) one of the healthiest things you can do for your heart and theirs is to unfollow them off of social media. It’s not fun, you’ll lose a number 1 follower, people will question your motives but I PROMISE it helps create distance between you and slowly but surely helps you heal. The more you see pictures of that person and unhealthily stalk their socials the more hurt and far from healing you will get. It’s almost like constantly reopening your not healed wound, it stalls the healing process. I’ve been through this before and I know when the FBI mode kicks in it’s HARD to stop it. The more you look back at old pictures of you guys and more memories, your mind automatically remembers the good memories but not the hard and painful ones, so don’t forget the reason you broke up! But jumping to conclusions and making accusations against your ex just puts an even bigger wedge between you and your healing process. This goes straight into the next point, to stop communications with them. The more you keep talking, the more of a connection you have and the more you string along your heart to loving them. Boundaries aren’t just for the dating process, they are also for the breakup process. You need to start setting healthy boundaries such as unfollowing them, no hanging out or talking 1-1, deleting or hiding pictures, no talking bad about them, etc. Every time you feel the need to reach out and talk to them, pray for them... PRAY FOR THEM TO FIND SOMEONE BETTER Going off of my last point, pray for them and their hearts, even if it ended ugly or ended and both of you are badly hurt. The latest heartbreak I went through, I remember hearing someone tell me that I needed to start praying that he would find someone that could love him better than me and that was a better person for him than i was. Immediately I was like, OUCH. Someone asking me to admit that I couldn’t be enough for them and that the person I loved needs to find someone else to love? Hard truth. When you start praying that they would find someone better for them, you immediately start to feel a little detached, as now you are praying for God’s will instead of your own. Also, betting on the fact that you might end up together again is doing nothing but hurting you both and prolonging the healing process. Put your wants and desires to the side and trust that the Lord has better in store. He might not replace with the exact same thing but know he will always restore what is broken. The Lord doesn’t always replace, but He does always restore. YOU'RE ALLOWED TO CRY As a previous enneagram 7, I know first hand what running from pain and avoiding conflict looks like. I remember during one break-up, I wouldn’t show up at the same places as him, I pretended like I wasn’t hurt, and deleted all pictures of him. Some of these are healthy except for the “pretend I’m not hurt” part. You have heard the saying “look your fear in the face and you can conquer it.” The same thing with grieving a relationship, if you don’t feel the emotions and pain from your separation, you WILL feel it in the future. During that same breakup that I refused to show I was hurt, I didn’t feel the pain until 6 months later. I remember sitting in a movie and all of a sudden I started weeping followed by feelings of loneliness. Something in that movie had triggered the hurt from deep down in my heart that I had pushed away, and now I had to spend months with the Lord in the process of healing my heart. I also want to point people who are hurting or grieving their relationship ending to: “The LORD is close to the brokenhearted; he rescues those whose spirits are crushed.” Psalm 34:18 Forever encouraging every single one of you to face your grief in the face and process it. For me, talking my fears out loud makes them not as scary, and the same thing with pain. Talking my painful moments out loud, tend to not make them as painful. This verse has given me so much peace and restored so much healing to my heart because the Lord is quite simply telling us in our most lonely moments, He is there. He’s actually not just there with the brokenhearted, He is CLOSE to the brokenhearted. BE PATIENT You won’t be healed overnight. Hear that again: You won’t be healed overnight. Much like many other things, you won’t stop crying in a day. Typically someone who has been through a breakup, depending on how long they have dated, can feel the hurt from it months and even years later. Having patience and trusting that the Lord will heal and restore the both of you is a hard task but it’s worth it. I mean look at my life, all you see from 2015 to 2020 is heartbreak, breakups, talking seasons that went nowhere, being ghosted/ghosting and etc. Now I am the happiest girl in the world, dating a man who seeks after God’s heart in everything that He does and treats me like Christ does. It is worth waiting for. SO WORTH IT!! THIS FAILED, BUT GOD DIDN'T I know how you’re feeling right now, you may feel like God abandoned you or you may even be extremely mad at God, and all of those emotions are normal and okay if you address them to Him. God didn’t allow this relationship not to continue because He wanted to watch you hurt. He didn’t allow this relationship to be in His plan for you because He had something and someone even better in store for you. Cole Labrant said a while back, “If it failed, it wasn’t love.” based on 1 Corinthians 13:8 where it says “Love never fails.” Friend, if it failed, take it from me, it wasn’t meant to be and you weren’t meant to fix it. I SAID WHAT I SAID. Just because it didn’t work doesn’t mean you have to work hard at fixing it, it means you need to be glad that God has something better in store! So turn that anger at God for taking away something that you thought was so good into thankfulness that He cares enough about a little human like you, to break up something in order to please you and bring Him glory! NOT FRIENDS NOW, BUT SIBLINGS FOREVER You may be on bad terms now or maybe the word “goodbye” was harshly said so you now believe you will never talk again. 9/10, you will but the day you become cordial again might take a while. I know how bad it hurts and how you wish you could text them because they were your best friend, but right now you both have to retrain your heart on how to live without each other. Remember, you may not be friends or even cordial right now, but you will always be a brother or sister in Christ to you! You need to treat them with the utmost respect while even dating because you are dating one of God’s most prized possessions. TAKE IT AS A LEARNING LESSON God hasn’t messed up. He didn’t mess up. He won’t mess up. He never will mess up. Rest and find peace in the God who keeps promises. He is using this heartache and valley to see if you will truly rely on Him and use this as a dependency lesson. Will you run to others and ask them to stop what they are doing to listen to you? Or, will you run to the feet of the Father who drops everything without you asking and will listen for however long you need Him to? These breakups are one step closer to the final relationship. Each time you go through one, it shapes you in different ways you’ll need for your future spouse. He knows the desires of your heart, and just because this relationship felt like the “one”, doesn’t mean He won’t give you the “one” in HIs own timing. SPEAK GOOD OF THEM Last but especially not least, we need to talk about how YOU talk bout THEM, regardless of how they talk about you. In relationships, they become the person you trust the most, you love the most and especially the one you respect the most. At the end of a relationship, those values shouldn’t change, you should love them enough to want someone better for them, you should trust them to keep y’alls business between y’all and you should respect their heart enough to speak highly of them to others. I’ve been in relationships where at the end it was nothing but complete drama because we both decided that trash talking and gossiping was the best source of healing (INCORRECT). Speaking good of them also falls under avoiding rebounds. I SAID IT. Entering in rebounds does nothing but make the other person hurt more by causing them to think you didn’t love them s much as you claimed, and it hurts you more by creating intimacy and commitment issues. Coming from a girl who struggles with both, rebounds did nothing but cause me more harm in the future because I got used to jumping from relationship to relationship.
I am praying for whoever is behind the screen reading this right now and for your hearts. These are just some of the things I have learned throughout my life and wish I could go back and do in 100% of the breakups I went through. It will be hard, but the Lord and I are in your corners, cheering you on! Let's normalize healthy breakups!! -CB
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