Freedom. That word has held such a sweet place in my heart for so long. Growing up, I loved the way it rolled off my tongue. What I didn’t know is that in a few years I would enter into a decade-long addiction and end up looking for that word in places it was never in.
If you have followed me for a while or even have scrolled through my social media pages, you will see that freedom from pornography addictions is what I typically talk about most. That mixed with a healthy balance of Jesus, Carson, and anything hot pink. (Did I say balanced??) By reading some of my posts or watching some of my tik-toks, you have found out that I struggled with an incognito addiction to pornography for over 10 years. I was introduced at the age of 9 and it tormented me until past graduating high school. I told absolutely no one growing up and it was my biggest fear someone would find out, and now I tell millions of people about my story. How cool is God? I told no one because no woman had spoken up about struggling with this addiction during my childhood. All pastors or speakers I heard targeted their speeches toward the men of the room and women had no part in it. That’s where I developed shame from feeling like the only one who struggled, the only one who watched, and the only girl who couldn’t stop. Flashforward a decade and here we are. I am writing this blog with the full confidence that I am a free woman of Christ.
My Heavenly Dad has saved me and He can save you… the question is- are you wanting to be saved?
There is a story in the Bible that talks about a man waiting by a pool that allegedly brought healing to people who jumped in first. He had been waiting for 38 years to get healed at this pool and was never able to be the first. Can you imagine the amount of frustration he must have felt? “Why can’t I just stop ___”, “Why aren’t I strong enough”- these lies we tell ourselves are common ones that I’m sure were running through his head. When Jesus approached Him and knew how long the man had been waiting, He asked:
“...Do you want to get well?” John 5:6
I’m being honest, if someone would’ve walked up to me during the years I was suffering from chronic and debilitating anxiety, or during the years I was addicted to pornography and asked if I wanted to be healed, I would’ve screamed at them. Why? Because I had been pouring so much of myself and my energy into trying so hard not to slip up or to find a natural cure to anxiety. But what does that mean? I had been trying hard to find worldly and temporary solutions. The real solution was hypothetically meeting me at the pool and waiting for me to surrender it all. When we surrender everything- freedom looks different. Freedom from having a disease or addiction label you doesn't mean you won’t struggle with it, it means you have prioritized God’s will for your life over your own temptations. It means everything you do from here on out looks like seeking freedom. Freedom is not something you obtain or that you can physically hold onto when you become a Christian. Freedom is a walking person, named Jesus.
When you encounter Jesus, you experience freedom.
Jesus looked around at the pool and saw many people, but chose to ask this man. I think he had to wake one person up out of the trance so that the world will heal you. A celebrity will heal you. A tik-tok video will heal you. Having followers will heal you. He had to lay a hand on the man waiting for healing and ask him the simple question: “Do you want to be saved?”. Why? Because the man was looking in all the wrong places instead of to the right person.
When I finally hit my knees in total surrender, I laid everything down. All my efforts to be perfect, all my grief, all my shame, all my lies, all my regret, and all of my worldly outlets to express my pain. I laid it all down at His feet and watched it become something beautiful. The saying He makes beauty from ashes, couldn’t be more true and I am living proof of it.
So let me ask you: Do you want healing? Do you want to get up and walk again? Do you want freedom from that addiction? Do you want freedom? Are you ready to experience Jesus? Because He is standing next to you at the pool, offering to help you stand. You only need to put your eyes on Him and stand!
CB
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